I've been breaking down a lot lately. I found myself crying suddenly during the summer. For a long time, I've felt inadequate, un-deserving, skill-less, stupid, and careless. These thoughts have magnified intensely since I came to grad school. I feel pressured, internally and externally, to perform perfectly. Ultimately, I feel I need to do everything perfectly that I am being trained on. I feel I need to match MB in her perfection. But I can't. And I am failing to even come close. It's already almost 6 months into grad school and I feel like I should have all this down and I should not be making the mistakes I am. But I keep making these mistakes. And a big no-no is my fear to go to MB with questions and help. I keep fearing the look on her face and the reaction of "Why don't you get this?" or "I already told you this; you should already know this." She keeps saying that I know these things, but I don't. Honestly, my brain is stuck in linear mode and I do not understand how things come together. Things are not straight-forward here and I cannot grasp what's going on.
I hate failure; I hate performing and failing and not meeting expectations. I try to put on a happy face, but internally I'm storming, I'm bubbling with self-hatred, self-criticism, and an inferiority complex. I can walk by people, smile, and casually chat, but I constantly avoid my problems. I don't want to confront them. They are too big for me to handle and when they do come up, I shrink away. I become a meek little being and just agree with the greater power reprimanding me. I'm so weak...
Like I said, these feelings have intensified since I came to grad school. I feel totally clueless and inadequate to be a graduate researcher. I've just caused problems for everyone. I have brought nothing good to this lab and I feel like I should just leave now, before I ruin other people's happiness and ultimately my own.
I constantly am depressed nowadays, and I don't want to be. When I come home, no one is home at my apartment, and even though I talk to my family and boyfriend every night, I still feel lonely. I feel alone and too incompetent for this line of work.
I just want to bake, but I am bad even at that. I don't make culinary masterpieces. I make ugly things that I only eat at home because it's too tasteless or ugly to give to people. What am I supposed to do with my life?
I looked into an administrative assistant job. Sounds so easy and less stressful and less mind-construing. That'd be nice.
I just want to be happy and I know I am preventing myself from doing so.
I just keep running headlong into things. I came here because of a fellowship and research just seemed like the only thing for me coming out of Berkeley with a BS in Bioengineering. What now? Where do I go to find my place?