I've discovered something about myself. It is something that I didn't realize was growing ever since I graduated from high school, did my undergraduate at UCB and then moved onto graduate school.
I have become more cynical, impulsive, reckless, thoughtless, unfocused, bitter, and fearful.
Most of all fearful. I fear that I am not good enough anymore. As I met so many people, I realized that each one of them is very good at things that I always wished I was good at. There a lot of things that I aspired to get good at. These include baking, and cooking, drawing and painting, academics, dance, speaking, running, writing...
There are so many things I wish I was in real life, things that I aspire to. I often look to the people who do things really well as inspiration for me to strive to become better. I want to reach the level that they are at.
But when I realize my own inadequacies, that I will never reach anything close to it, I start getting scared that people will see me not performing well. I have always been viewed by my family, friends, and colleagues as a smart and skilled person, ever since I was little. When I got out to the real world, I discovered that I really am not.
I began to get scared. If I am not truly good at anything better than people I know, then I fear that I cannot truly succeed. I want to be able to be independent and show I am capable of doing this and that. I often try so hard to show it that I become pushy, brash. Then, I lash back when my weakness peeks out or my ploy starts to unravel. I become mean.
I am not a good nor a skilled person, despite everyone perceiving me as so. I am not intelligent, selfless, nor skilled. I just make it seem like I am. Everything I am is a facade, a porcelain shell I put around myself to hide the true person inside.
This porcelain shell is cracking.
I cannot hide anymore.
Everything bad that happens to me, or happens to those around me, is always the fault of my doing. My oversight, my carelessness, my self-hatred culminate into problems for others, for the ones I care about around me. It would be better if I just became a recluse and kept my bad aura away from others...
I cannot cope with my feelings or my thoughts.
Why am I sad and angry at myself all the time? Why can't I accept myself?
....
30 minutes later...ate a Klondike mint chocolate chip ice cream bar, browsed Tastespotting, laughed at one post about making the ridiculous "Skip's Scramble" (everything on this brunch restaurant's menu in one $50 order), and feel a little happier. Will most likely be short-lived happiness till my next mess-up (which is likely to be soon, knowing me).
Pauline, I have not known you for that long, but from what I can tell, you are a woman with only brightness shining through. Those adjectives that you used in the beginning are words that I have often used and even heard about myself. However I see them more as a positive impact on myself. My newly found recklessness allowed me quickly make new friends at school and add a little flair into my life.
ReplyDeleteAlso I see nothing wrong with aiming for the best in all that you do. I read your blog and am constantly amazed at your cooking and the passion that follows it. I definitely cannot do what you do, and behind the scenes, I try and imitate you (without much success).
From just this year, I have been constantly surrounded by amazing people. I feel as if everyone was just naturally better at things than me. It ranged from communication skills, cooking, musicality, friendships that I wasn't a part of, intelligence, and more. However it wasn't until I decided to open up and leave my bubble that I started to grow. I started to trust those around me because they started to accept that I was Jennifer, and anything I did was justified by this train of thought. I easily showed everyone my hidden personality that only a few back home knew.
Anyways, I learned to forgive others as well as forgive myself during this metamorphosis of mine. There is nothing wrong with mess-ups. It happens to me quite a lot, and I cringe each time. "An earnest failure has meaning." There's a journey behind every success, and you're in the midst of yours. Don't let things bog you down when you have the capability to stand up and push forward!
You can do it!
-Your fan