I've discovered something about myself. It is something that I didn't realize was growing ever since I graduated from high school, did my undergraduate at UCB and then moved onto graduate school.
I have become more cynical, impulsive, reckless, thoughtless, unfocused, bitter, and fearful.
Most of all fearful. I fear that I am not good enough anymore. As I met so many people, I realized that each one of them is very good at things that I always wished I was good at. There a lot of things that I aspired to get good at. These include baking, and cooking, drawing and painting, academics, dance, speaking, running, writing...
There are so many things I wish I was in real life, things that I aspire to. I often look to the people who do things really well as inspiration for me to strive to become better. I want to reach the level that they are at.
But when I realize my own inadequacies, that I will never reach anything close to it, I start getting scared that people will see me not performing well. I have always been viewed by my family, friends, and colleagues as a smart and skilled person, ever since I was little. When I got out to the real world, I discovered that I really am not.
I began to get scared. If I am not truly good at anything better than people I know, then I fear that I cannot truly succeed. I want to be able to be independent and show I am capable of doing this and that. I often try so hard to show it that I become pushy, brash. Then, I lash back when my weakness peeks out or my ploy starts to unravel. I become mean.
I am not a good nor a skilled person, despite everyone perceiving me as so. I am not intelligent, selfless, nor skilled. I just make it seem like I am. Everything I am is a facade, a porcelain shell I put around myself to hide the true person inside.
This porcelain shell is cracking.
I cannot hide anymore.
Everything bad that happens to me, or happens to those around me, is always the fault of my doing. My oversight, my carelessness, my self-hatred culminate into problems for others, for the ones I care about around me. It would be better if I just became a recluse and kept my bad aura away from others...
I cannot cope with my feelings or my thoughts.
Why am I sad and angry at myself all the time? Why can't I accept myself?
30 minutes later...ate a Klondike mint chocolate chip ice cream bar, browsed Tastespotting, laughed at one post about making the ridiculous "Skip's Scramble" (everything on this brunch restaurant's menu in one $50 order), and feel a little happier. Will most likely be short-lived happiness till my next mess-up (which is likely to be soon, knowing me).